Mom Blasting Parents For Not Helping With Grandkids Sparks Debate

A young mom’s post on Reddit has sparked a heated debate about generational responsibilities and the role grandparents play in modern parenting.
The original poster, who goes by @mschelly27 on Reddit, expressed her frustration with Newsweek about her in-laws’ unwillingness to help with childcare, despite the fact that they received substantial support when raising their own children. An expert told Newsweek today’s grandparents aren’t experiencing the same societal pressures—and how that may play a part in their activity in their grandchildren’s lives.
In her post shared on the ‘Parenting’ channel, the 23-year-old vented about her mother-in-law who is in her 50s and leads an active lifestyle “constantly drinking, riding on motorcycles, in and out of unstable relationships,” according to the post.
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Despite her claims of having “done it” herself when it comes to parenting, the original poster (OP) points out that her mother-in-law heavily relied on her own mother for childcare. This support allowed her to work without the burden of extensive daycare costs, a privilege the original poster and her partner didn’t have.
“Seems like both my parents and his have this ‘not my child, not my problem’ mentality but [want to] take selfies with him and go on Facebook and talk about how much they ‘love being a nana!’. Like be so for real,” she wrote.
Since the post was uploaded on August 19, it has 2,300 upvotes and counting, dividing Reddit users. Some supported the OP, agreeing that grandparents should recognize the struggle to be more involved, especially if they received similar help in the past.
Others called the original poster entitled and that she expects too much, the OP told Newsweek.
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“I know in reality, no, my children are not their problem, but I wish they’d really consider how much harder their lives would’ve been had their parents told them that,” she added.
She also clarified in a post edit that she did not expect her mother-in-law to watch her kids. “It’s that she throws in my face that ‘she’s done it’ when she literally has not,” the OP wrote.
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One Redditor sympathized with her post and shared that her parents “manipulated” her to have children for over a decade.
“Sobbed and cried at every holiday because ‘no grandbabies’, wore a small empty photo frame with ‘reserved’ in it (I was not pregnant), promised that they would be the best and most involved grandparents and childcare, etc. Baby was born and suddenly she didn’t want to be a ‘babysitter’.”
Another shared their “unpopular opinion” about how they find it odd that parents expect so much from grandparents.
“You say ‘just’ not having to pay childcare would help you so much but asking someone in their 50s and up to provide full-time childcare is not a trivial thing! The word ‘just’ doesn’t apply; it’s a massive ask. I get being disappointed if grandparents never want to babysit for date night or whatever, but I honestly don’t feel full-time childcare is a reasonable expectation,” they wrote.
Newsweek spoke to Renée Zavislak, M.S., M.A., LMFT and host of Psycho Therapist The Podcast on the validity of the OP’s feelings and some of the broader social shifts that might be influencing her mother-in-law’s behavior.
She told Newsweek that many women in their 50s and 60s today are the first generation to fully experience the freedom of late adulthood.
“Thirty-plus years ago, when your MIL [mother-in-law] was that age, we were just starting to grow out of a time when women were expected to devote decades to family at the expense of their own dreams.
“Now, women in their 50s and 60s have been given a new social lease on late adulthood; the norms and expectations have changed, and it is possible that your MIL, like so many other women this age with whom I have spoken, is just now having her first taste of complete autonomy,” Zavislak said.
When it comes to the mother-in-law’s ‘not my children, not my problem’ attitude, Zavislak told Newsweek that when your years of being a parent are behind you, it’s easy to forget how hard those early years are.
Zavislak suggested that the OP might need to directly communicate her needs rather than expect her in-laws to help.
“First, ask directly for what you need rather than waiting for either grandmother to volunteer.
“Should your requests be met with avoidance or denial, then I would invoke radical acceptance and work to create your own community with other new mothers.
“Trade off days with them—one day they take your baby, another day you take theirs. I tell all my clients [that] if your biological family can’t show up for you, find a chosen family who can,” she told Newsweek.
The original poster told Newsweek how difficult it is to raise a child without the help that previous generations often had, especially in an economy where dual incomes are usually necessary to make ends meet.
“In the end, to me at least, it feels like they had a village, now they don’t want to be ours. When in my honest opinion, with the economy, I think we already have it harder,” she added.